


Battle Of Wits

by unknowableroom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Humor, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-10-31
Updated: 2005-11-04
Packaged: 2019-01-19 14:16:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12411903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknowableroom_archivist/pseuds/unknowableroom_archivist
Summary: James Potter and Lily Evans are in seventh year, and have been locked in a room together by the loveable headmaster, Professor Dumbledore himself. How long before the two rip each others heads of?  Dialogue only.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from ChristyCorr, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Unknowable Room](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Unknowable_Room), a Harry Potter archive active from 2005-2016. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after May 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Unknowable Room collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/unknowableroom).

“You’re nutters, Evans.”

“Oh, am I?”

“That the best you can come up with?”

“When did this turn into a battle of the wits?”

“Why are you answering all my questions with questions?”

“If I’m answering all your questions with questions it wouldn’t really be considered answering, now would it?”

“You’re nutters, Evans.”

“You said that.”

“And I’ll say it again.”

“…”

“You’re nutters, Evans.”

“Someone’s getting redundant.”

“You asked for it.”

“Actually it was the first time I didn’t ask a question.”

“…”

“Oh, did I stump the mighty Potter?”

“So you admit you want me?”

“In your dreams, Potter.”

“Every night.”

“…”

“Oh, did I stump the mighty Evans?”

“So you admit you want me?”

“We’ve established this, Evans. Very much so.”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“Well, this is lovely.”

“You know when people stop speaking, it’s normally a sign that the other should leave.”

“You could’ve told me that.”

“Would you have left?”

“No.”

“Then I would’ve been wasting my breath.”

“I can find a good use for your breath.”

“Don’t.”

“It turns me on.”

“I said don’t.”

“Oh Evans, I want you so bad.”

“…”

“…”

“That was part of the joke, right?”

“Uh… yeah.”

“Good. It sounded frighteningly honest.”

“I’m an amazing actor.”

“And I’m Professor McGonagall.”

“MINNIE!”

“I was joking.”

“I wasn’t.”

“I look like McGonagall?”

“No.”

“Alright then.”

“…”

“You really have nothing interesting to say, eh Potter?”

“You know, when people stop talking it normally means that the people will leave.”

“You could have told me that.”

“Would you have left?”

“Yes.”

“Exactly why I didn’t tell you.”

Pause. “Alright.”

“I didn’t want you to leave.”

“Alright.”

“Is that all you can say?”

Giggle. “Alright.”

Sneer. “Malfoy stolen your speaking abilities?”

“Excuse me?”

“He got a hold of your tongue or something?”

“…”

“He has your tongue?!”

“What?! NO!”

Relief. “Why didn’t you answer me then.”

“You know when people stop talking-“

Interrupts. “Evans…”

“Alright.”

Eye roll. “Here we go again.”

“Oh you know it.”

“…”

“It’s too quiet.”

“So?”

“I think I’m going to scream.”

Suggestively. “I can make you scream all night.”

Raises eyebrow. “I can make YOU scream all night.”

“Promise?”

Scoff. “No. I’m doing Black tonight.”

Explodes. “WHAT?!”

“Joking, Potter. Relax.”

Breathes deeply. “That’s not funny.”

“Sure it was.”

“No it wasn’t.”

“Yes it was.”

“You’re stubborn.”

“And damn proud of it.”

Gasp of mock horror. “Did head girl Lily Evans just swear?”

Imitates gasp. “Did the head boy just call the head girl by her first name?”

Pause. “No.”

Smirk. “You’re nutters, Potter.”

“I love you, too, Evans.”

Sweetly. “Why wouldn’t you?”

“Is it wrong that I have the sudden urge to hex you into oblivion?”

“I don’t know. Is it wrong that you’re so far into denial about your sexuality that you’re in Narnia?”

“Narnia?”

“You’ve never heard of Narnia?”

“Narnia?”

“The Chronicles Of Narnia?”

“Narnia?”

“It’s a book series James.”

“Did you just call me James?”

“No. You’re delusional.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

“Narnia?”

“A muggle book series.”

“Figures muggles would read crap like that.”

“I beg your pardon?”

Smirk. “Oh. Lily Evan’s is begging James Potter. I thought this day would never come.”

“So you really are in denial.”

Confused. “About what?”

“Your sexuality?”

“And Narnia?”

“Yeah.”

“What in the bloody hell is Narnia?”

“Do we really have to get into this again?”

“Did you call me gay?”

“Oh, somebody alert Houston, he’s a smart one, this boy.”

“Thanks. But, really. Did you call me gay?”

“I did.”

“…”

“…”

“I’m not.”

“Not what?”

“Gay.”

“I didn’t say you were.”

“…”

Giggles.

“YES YOU DID!”

“Are you sure you’re not delusional, James?”

“That’s the second time you’ve called me James.”

Shakes head. “No, Potter. I haven’t called you by that horrible name since first year when you pranked me.”

“My apologies for that by the way.”

Fake sneeze.

“What was that?”

“My apologies, I’m allergic to bullshit.”

“What?”

Exasperated sigh. “Never mind.”

“No, what?”

“I said never mind.”

“Fine.”

“Wow.”

“What now?”

“You’re giving up just like that?”

Mutters. “Evans you’re nutters. Would you rather me harass you for the rest of the day?”

Pause. “Good point.”

“Where’s Sirius?”

“Probably waiting in our broom closet for the shag I promised him before dinner.”

“…”

“Close your mouth, Potter. You’re letting flies in.”

“You… you’re not serious, are you?”

“About the flies? Sure am.”

Snort. “No. About shagging Sirius.”

“Joking, Potter. Joking.”

“Good.”

“Why is it good?”

“You shagging my best friend is… just…”

“Wrong?”

“You think so too?”

“I was supplying you with the word I thought you were searching for.”

“What would you say?”

“Gross. And not because he’s your best friend, but because he’s… Black. Plus. I hear Remus is better in bed then you two.”

“WHO TOLD YOU THAT?!”

“Defensive and loud now, Potter?”

“I’ll kill him if he touches you.”

“Am I really that disgusting, James?”

“No! No, you’re not you’re gorgeous… did you call me James?”

Sigh. “I tell you, Potter. You’re delusional. Get some medication.”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“Are you absolutely positive that you haven’t called me James at all?”

“Yes.”

“Positive?”

“Yes.”

“One hundred per cent certain?”

“Yes.”

“Undoubtedly wrong?”

“Yes.”

“HA! You DID call me James!”

“Yes.”

Pause. “Are you listening to me?”

“Yes.”

“Is my name James?” 

“Yes.”

“Is my best friend Sirius Black?”

“Yes.”

“Are you madly in love with me?”

“Yes.”

Cocks an eyebrow. “Okay, either you are replying to everything I say with a ‘yes’ or you really are madly in love with me.”

“Yes.”

“Well? Which one is it?”

“Yes.”

“LILY!”

“Yes?”

“Do you have a problem?”

“Yes.”

“What is your problem?”

“You.”

“Great, so we’re sticking with three letter words that begin with the letter ‘y’?”

“Sure.”

“That’s an improvement.”

“Shut up.”

“Make me.”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“Are you not bored yet?”

“…”

“Are you ignoring me?”

“…”

“Do you blame it on me that Dumbledore locked us in his office until we can get along?”

“…”

“Lily? Lily come on, talk to me.”

“…”

“Well, now you’re just being a bit of a bitch.”

“…”

“If that doesn’t get a rise out of you, I don’t know what will.”

“…”

“Are you going to kill that spider or should I?”

Shriek. “Spider? Where?”

Chuckle. “Is little Lily afraid of a little spider.”

Glare. “If you must know, yes. I am terrified of spiders. So, if you could be so kind as to kill it or admit there is no spider in here, that’d be great and I can go back to rueing the day you were born in silence.”

“March 12.”

Furrows brow. “What?”

“You want to go back to rueing the day I was born in silence. I’m telling you what day to rue. March 12, 1960.”

Cautiously. “Why are you telling me this?”

Exasperated. “You wanted to rue the day I was born. If you know the exact day, chances are it would make it a hell of a lot easier, Evans.”

Understanding. “Oh. Okay.”

“Yeah.”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“Potter?”

“Yeah?”

“There was no spider?”

Exasperated sigh. “No, Evans.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Short, yes. But fun to write none-the-less. I hope you all find it fun as well. I realize it’s only about half the length of the first chapter, but, really, it’s not terrible is it? Please review (and fill out the survey!) once you’ve read it. Thank you, luvs.**

 

…

 

“I’m bored.”�

“Me, too.”�

Amazed.  “Wow.”�

“What?”�

“Lily Evans just agreed with me.”�

“So?”�

“Lily Evans just agreed with me.”�

Rolls eyes.  “I don’t want to get into this again.”�

Pause.  “You really think this is my fault don’t you?”�

Shouts.  “Of course!  If you hadn’t pranked me in first year, we never would have this horrible rivalry between the two of us, and Dumbledore never would have had to lock us in here so we could solve our problems!”�

Snort.  “It’s _not_ my fault Evans.”�

Cockily.  “Mmhm.”�

“Why don’t you believe me?”�

Sarcastically.  “Gee, I don’t know.  Could it be because last time I trusted you… I WOUND UP WITH PURPLE HAIR FOR A WEEK?!”�

“Geez, Evans.  Move on already.  I did.”�

“You weren’t the victim.”�

Snaps.  “And you were?”�

“As a matter of fact…”�

“Shut up.”�

“You asked.”�

“Shut up.”� “Oh god.  It’s going to be the ‘yes’ thing all over again.  Just… positions reversed.”�

Pause.  “Well, I could always swing it.  I suppose if you’d rather be on top…”�

“POTTER!”�

Grin.  “There’d be a lot of that, too.”�

“…”�

“I’m sorry, Lily.”�

“…”�

“Honest.  I really am.”�

“…”�

High-pitched voice.  “That’s great, James.  Now we can go off and have lots of babies together and live happily ever after.”�

Outraged.  “JAMES HAROLD POTTER!”�

“And I thought that would work.”�

“You thought wrong.”�

“Clearly.”�

“…”�

“Look, I am sorry, Lily.”�

Grunt.

“We have to get along before Dumbledore will even think about letting us out of here.”�

Nods.  “You’re right Potter.  We’ve got to get along.  For the sake of the school.”�

“Really?”�

“No.”�

“…”�

“…”�

 

“Lily?”�

“What?"

“Nothing.  You just… stopped… talking.”�

“So did you.”�

“Yeah… but it was your turn to say something.”�

“No, it wasn’t, James.  I said no.  You were supposed to reply.”�

“…”�

“This is sad.”�

“What is?”�

“There’s no… tension.  It’s like we’re…"

“Hot for each other?”�

Aggravated.  “TOO TIRED TO ARGUE.”�

“Obviously not.”�

“…”�

“Oh, Merlin.  Am I going to have to apologize a million times again?”�

“…”�

“Sorry.”�

“…”�

“Sorry.”�

“…”�

“Sorry.”�

“…”�

“Sorry.”�

“…”�

“Sorry.”�

“Shut up.”�

“It’s alive!”�

“Where’d you hear that?”�

“Remus said it, why?”�

“No reason.  Just didn’t think you’d know a line from a movie.”�

“What’s a movie?”�

Thinks.  _Oh Merlin._

__

“Actually, never mind.  I’ll ask Remus when we get out.”�

“If.”�

“What?”�

Exasperated.  “You said when.  I said if.”�

“I got that.  I don’t understand why you said if.”�

“ _If_ we get out.”�

“When we get out.”�

“How thick can you be?”�

“Last I checked, three inches.”�

Pause.  “What?”�

“Three inches thick.  Not bad, I suppose.  Though I think the eight point five inches long is a little more to brag about.”�

Screeches.  “ _WHAT?!_ ”�

“You asked how thick I was…”�

“Yeah, in the _head_!”�

Smirk.  “Well, there _is_ a head.”�

“Dear God.  Boys are gross.”�

“Yeah.  Sirius says we have cooties and that’s why so many girls run.”�

“Wow.  So Black is at least somewhat intelligent.”�

Snorts.  “Yep.  I’m a lot thicker than him.”�

Suppressed laughter.

“Evans, are you laughing at something that I, James Potter, said?”�

“No.”�

“So what was that noise I heard?”�

“I was sneezing.”�

“That didn’t sound like a sneeze.”�

“Achoo.”�

Sarcastically.  “Oh, because I believe that.”�

“Well, you should.  I don’t lie.”�

Irritated.  “You think you’re so clever, don’t you, Evans?”�

“…”�

“Oy!  Evans!”�

“Just a minute.”�

Surprised.  “Excuse me?”�

“I said just a minute, you dolt.  I’m trying to decide if there is an answer to that question that won’t result in a screaming match.”�

Shocked.  “You’re actually considering my feelings?”�

Snorts.  “That’d be the day, James.  Actually, my throat is a bit scratchy, and I’d rather not get into a row with you at the moment.  I want to keep my voice.”�

Pause.  “So… no screaming?"

“No screaming.”�

“…What if it’s silent sex?”�

“…”�

Angry.  “Bloody hell, Evans!  That punch of yours is enough to bruise me!”�


End file.
